Boy oh boy

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I have a lot of thoughts just right now
seriously, I wanna throw up
sometimes, being in a relationship is not completely a good idea.
it's become a perspective of mine probably from last year when I tired of relationship
but why is it always haunted me. actually, not the person but that is the "relationship".
I don't know whether I am ready for having one, but I really still want to play around.
Wanna chase for things I love to do.
seriously, I don't wanna be a serious-love affair insider right now. not because I'm hopeless of love, but I feel tired of it.
I honestly want to know me better, just don't get that sick feeling when anyone around you and your emotions, your thoughts, your brain, mind, soul, body or whatever it is are tied with it, in formal or informal way, and yes. everyone can see it. it is obvious.
This cheesy feeling hit me this evening.
I even cry because of this shit.
I wanna be a girl, I'm probably in my egoistic-phase right now. I don't want anyone distract my willing.
But anyway, this tired or egoistic feeling doesn't apply with my friends and family bytheway. sooo, I still can be me happily in other circumstances.
I think that it's okay to have kind of flirtation-ship kind of thing, but if to be serious..... Hmmm, I don't know. i think its too heavy for present. I tried, and I don't know how can I be still. Looking forward for myself, whether I still can handle this or not. because yes, I kind of tired.

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